I think it is definitely time for me to do some self reflection.  Yesterday was probably one of the saddest days I’ve had in a long time.

My day started out with an argument with my ex girlfriend.  Well… I guess that I actually started it.  I sent her a long text at midnight pretty much expressing how I felt about her.  I guess she took the text the wrong way.  According to her, I kept talking about my ex wife in the text message, but that is besides the point.  So then she preceded to send me a text at 2am stating that I should get back with my ex wife.  That kind of pissed me off.  So then I went off on her the entire day.  I sent her screenshots of me talking to my ex, I also sent her screenshots of me talking to another woman.  Long story short, I made her cry.  Thing is, I get very emotional, and when I do, I tend to say things and do things I don’t mean.  She stated that she hated me and to never contact her again.  Then later that night, my mom called her, and she told my mom everything about what I did to her.  My mom called me, and started to cry.

I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW MUCH THAT HURT MY HEART!!!!

When my mom did that, I literally had a mental shift.  I literally was about to cry myself.  I literally have finally realized the heart ache I put my exes through.  I realized that it wasn’t them, it was me.  I realized no matter how someone else is, the only person in control of me, is me.  My mom pretty much told me about myself, and that she was so disappointed in me.  My own mom told me that she doesn’t even know me.  The thing is, I come to realize…

I don’t even truly know myself anymore

I don’t know how I really got here.  I’ve allowed the world, and so many external factors control me, I have lost all control of myself.  I lost control of who I truly am and live for.  In the blog, I’ve continuously went back in fourth between business and females.  I’ve jumped from one female to another.  Not because I love females, but mostly because of my since of significance that I get from having a female defining my worth.

I know I always tell myself that I know my worth, but the truth is, I don’t really know my worth.

Now it is time for me to find my worth.  Now it is time for me to focus on me.

I have got rid of all females that I’ve been entertaining to feel some type of significance.  I am no longer focusing on things that bring no value in my life.  I know this all happened for a reason.  It had to take this to slap me in my head and tell me to get my act together.

Right now I have a heavy heart.  I am not going to lie “I am lost”.  I need to be a lone until I find myself.  I need to be alone until I find my personal significance.  It is now time for me to self reflect.

I really feel bad, because my ex was a really good woman.  I’m not even going to call her by my ex anymore.  Her name is Anita.  She was a really good woman, and I feel so bad that I put Anita through the heart ache and emotional rollercoster that I did.  It’s crazy because that was the best that I was ever treated by a woman.  She was actually the best girlfriend that I ever had.  My mom told me not to jump into a relationship with her, because ultimately, I would end up hurting her.  And that is exactly what I did.  I hurt her because I brought my pain over to a new relationship.  I was so insecure and hurt, I sabotage the relationship.   My perception was so distorted I couldn’t see what I had.  I wish it was a way for me to tell her sorry, but I’ve done to much damage.  By me telling her sorry, I will be doing more harm than good.  The best thing for me to do, is to never ever contact her again.  Let her erase that memory from her head.